Written by Scrappy Perez Friday, 09 April 2010 00:00
As I am preparing to start my day with a positive outlook in life, I did the unthinkable. I watched The Maury Show! You think that's bad? Wait until I tell you what I saw on Lifetime TV. Surprisingly, he was not administering one of his infamous paternity tests. The topic was on cheating. Oh boy! It seems unfaithfulness does to ratings what D batteries do to my vibrator. This woman is screaming at the top of her lungs, “I did not cheat on you and that kid is yours! Look at that nose. That is YOUR nose!” Is it really THAT much of a surprise to find out the man is not the father of a child that seems to relate more to the dining room set?
America loves to live in fear; fear of terrorism, fear of each other and fear of relationships. Lifetime TV has taught women that over the years, you are bound to get molested, raped and robbed of your dignity by some heinous man. Now I see why so many lesbians are going around encouraging their straight girlfriends to watch more Lifetime movies! The TV show Cheaters has taught us that no matter who we fall in love with, it is natural to be in a predicament in which we will be requiring the services of a private investigator.
I think it could prove challenging to be a gay man and find a loyal partner. I don't say that because we are gay, but because we are men who live in this society filled with fear and temptations. I'm sure the faithful ones are out there, but they sure are hard to pinpoint. Wouldn't it be a lot easier if people wore their “Nutrition Facts” labels on the back of their shirts like food products do? That way you'll know if something contains nuts (crazy), it's too sugary for you (cheerleader type), filled with trans fat (or little self-esteem) or too much sodium (bitchy). The two things I'd like to know, are expiration date (length of relationship) and how many people it serves at a time (sl*t).
Speaking of drama, have you seen RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO TV? If the Botox parade and catty looks of The Real Housewives of New Jersey weren't enough for you, then RuPaul's Drag Race is shimmying towards you with a killer cocktail of glitter, hairspray and cattiness. If you're used to drag queens you'll love the references, the attitude and the costumes. If you aren't, this is a peek into a whole other world. The cast is hilarious mix of many personality types and the beauty of this show is seeing the competitors in and out of drag, which adds an unusual layer to the proceedings. RuPaul herself is fantastic as the host. Whether appearing out of drag to coach the girls or appearing in soft focus for the judging panel and dishing out quips by the truckload. Throw in an array of challenges, an elimination process requiring contestants to “Lipsync for Their Lives” and constant plugs for new RuPaul music.
But alas, the ultimate queen may be found in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, adapted from Lewis Carroll's famous storybook. The story pivots on a sense of the truly bizarre as it tells the story of a girl named Alice who plummets down a rabbit hole and suddenly talks to clothed animals and a disappearing, grinning cat. The same thing happens to me after mixing vodka with pain killers. The only difference is that when I went down a hole I ended up with a rash. The Red Queen is relentlessly crazy. Every time I heard her scream “Off with his head!” it got me homesick as it reminded me of all the times my mother will yell at me when I didn't eat my vegetables. Overall, the movie was filled with nonsense that made perfume commercials easier to comprehend, but nevertheless very entertaining and visually splendid. If you want a real thrill, watch it in 3D. I wonder why they can't make pornographic movies like that? Anyway, have a great Spring bitches!