Written by Scrappy Perez Thursday, 14 January 2010 00:00
We survived another Christmas! Ah… Christmas, the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money. A time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his “present” remembered. A time to remember that it is no coincidence your family lives so far away and your state of mind is so healthy at the same time. This year, Christmas really felt like a day at the office: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
There is one thing, however, that would have made my Christmas complete…SNOW! It’s a shame it never snows in Florida (unless you count the public bathrooms at the local nightclub). I also didn’t get the chance to showcase a live nativity scene, but that wasn’t my fault. You know how hard it is nowadays to find three wise men and a virgin?!
I sure got A LOT of fruitcake. Who eats that crap?! Fruit cake is like all the evils of the world baked into a cake. Well, guess what everyone is getting from me next year? That’s right, bitches… bon appétit! And don’t you dare return it!
At any rate, now it’s time to celebrate the upcoming year and make all kinds of resolutions that we can never follow through. Since the opposite of what I say usually happens every time I make a New Year’s Resolution, I’ll say the opposite of what I would like to do. For example, “this year I will be fat, I will not have sex at all and I will not tell my boss to suck it because I love living in quiet desperation at work.” For those of you without a New Year’s Resolution, here are some original ones you may want to try:
- I will not insult my friends by giving them fruitcake for Christmas.
- I will remember that dropping firecrackers inside my friends’ pants is not in any way, shape or form considered a good practical joke.
- I will stop buying useless crap like that DVD rewinder.
- I will buy a car that I am happy with. Stealing bikes from little girls to get to work is wrong, I see that now.
- I will get Latino Boys Magazine from the racks to actually READ it and not to flip through the pictures of hot guys to then end up with a pile of those in the back seat of my car.
- I will not bore my boss with stupid excuses not to go to work. I will come up with some new ones instead.
- I will drink less or I will drink more, whichever is most appropriate.
- I will stop getting into car crashes with hot guys just so I can get their phone numbers.
I don’t really have much to say about artists this year other than I am amazed about how much I love the new Jesse & Joy CD and how much I hate Shakira becoming this mainstream caged blonde human-pretzel in her She Wolf video. I really hope Latin artists continue entertaining us without forgetting their roots, their music and their own language! So, sweetheart, time to let those roots show again in that blonde head of yours, bring back your guitar and burn that Spanish-to-English dictionary. It didn’t do you that much good anyway.
For the rest of you, I hope you had an amazing Christmas and a prosperous New Year. And remember, good friends don’t let other friends drive drunk or buy fruitcakes for other friends. Happy Holidays, bitches!